People Pleasing Is Ruining Everything

“You’re so nice, so easy going.” 

“You’re so generous.”

“I knew I could turn to you, you’re always so helpful.”

Sound familiar?  How lovely it would be to be all these things all the time.  After all, isn’t that what we want, to be kind and generous and helpful?  To say yes and be appreciated for that, to have other people’s light shine down on us for the good people we are?

Sure, I guess.  I mean, yes, but… is there a difference between being nice and being a people pleaser?  How do we know the difference and does it matter?

It does matter and here’s why:

Being helpful and caring about others is what will ultimately make the world a healthier safer place for everyone.  This is true.  And sometimes being helpful can put us out a bit, but if there’s a greater good, and it causes no harm personally, than by all means, be helpful.  After all, it’s not that hard to not be a jerk, right?

People pleasing is not the same as being kind and helpful for the simple reason that there is an ulterior motive behind it.  People pleasing is based in our anxiety that we won’t be liked or that we are not lovable.  If we wanted to be really granular about it, people pleasing is manipulative.  It’s purpose is to influence and manipulate how someone feels about us with the larger motivation of soothing our struggling self-esteem.

We say yes to what they want, we put on a happy face because that’s what they want to see, we’re compliant and easy, we don’t voice a conflicting opinion, and we lie.  We hide the truth so we don’t hurt their feelings, or we skirt around it, hoping to soften the impact but never really saying what we mean.  

The truth is though, people pleasing is not about their feelings at all.  It is about our fear of conflict and rejection.  It is our own fear that if we aren’t reflecting back to the other person what we think they want to see, they won’t love us anymore, or they won’t have any more use for us and we’ll be abandoned.  And while that sounds dramatic, and perhaps we are not consciously aware of these things in the moment, when we stop to consider saying no, we may notice there is anxiety rising in our chest.

I know this has been true in my own life.  I always thought of myself as a little too contrarian.  When I was a kid, my nickname was the no-no girl.  So, imagine my surprise when a friend (who is also a therapist, no surprises there) said to me that I was people pleasing in my relationships and this was why all of us were likely unsatisfied and it wasn’t getting easier.  

Huh.

I had to stop and think about that.  In the way I was not really saying my feelings to avoid the possibility of hurting (who, me or my partner?) I was creating more confusion.  I didn’t want to cause trouble so I didn’t say what I needed or wanted and it came across to my partner as being vague and hard to read.  It wasn’t pleasing or helpful at all.  So I vowed to myself to always tell the truth.  And it wasn’t easy, I could feel the anxiety of letting someone down if my truth didn’t jibe with theirs, if our wants were different.  But in the end, we had more to work with and could find satisfaction.  I’m not going to sugar coat it, it was a capital P Process.  It was effort.  But it was worth it.

Another problem that arises from people pleasing is that we believe that if we are always complying with others’ needs, they will love us and reciprocate.  If we look closely at these relationships though, what do we actually see?  Very often we feel hurt or taken advantage of because we give and give and there isn’t the expected reciprocity.  So we try harder.  And the cycle of hurt continues. 

If we struggle with people pleasing, a good indication of the health of our relationships is if the person we are always trying to please allows us to do so.  In a  healthy relationship, the other person wouldn’t want to receive without giving back.  A healthy friend would say “let me take you to the airport instead of Uber. You came all this way to bring me soup when I was sick, I’d like to show you my appreciation.”  For the people in the back: Healthy people won’t let you people please!

A final note on people pleasing, though there is so much more I can say on the topic, is that who you are, what you believe, how you feel, what you want and need is not only important for you, it’s also a gift to the people in your life.  Those who love you want to know who you are, they are curious about you and want to learn all about you.  You are the gift to them, who you are is valuable information in how they can show up in kind for you. 

People pleasing chips away at our own sense of worth, we can’t tell if people like us or what we do for them.  We feel anxious to let it go because we’re not sure if they will stick around if we speak up.  The anxiety that causes people pleasing is often the result of an old wound.  Therapy can help to understand and resolve that wound and create a pathway to healthier boundaries, a stronger sense of self and more loving and mutual relationships.  

Warmly,

Noelle